The Homeschoolers' Christmas (2010)

I wrote this quite a few years ago for our local homeschool group's newsletter; later it appeared in an American group's newsletter.  But I guess I can still post it here, right?  (No particular offense is intended to Saxon Math--you try finding a rhyme for...okay, just read it.)

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nation

the holiday spirit was in full operation

The stockings were loaded, the presents were wrapped

And while moms checked  their emails and tired dads napped

Their angelic offspring made straight for the tree

And checked out the presents as quiet as could be.

They were hoping for skateboards and monster truck sets

Barbie cars, Barbie clothes, Barbie beds, Barbie pets

For video games that were violent and weird

And lots more to be sent from the man with the beard.

But in the last house at the top of the hill

A family of homeschoolers sat wondering still.

Said dear little Anna with a face full of woe,

“I wrote Santa a letter, so you’d think he would know

That I’m asking for CDs that make lots of noise

Like Hannah Montana and the Backstreet Boys.”

“It’s no use,” said Thomas.  “You know for a fact

We’ll get songs that will help us to add and subtract.”

“Don’t you remember” said big sister Kate

“The year we got Daily Grams books one to eight?”

“It’s not fair” said her brother, “I want Play Station Kombat,

But I’ll probably end up with a book about wombats.”

“Well, this year” said Anna, “let’s sit up and wait,

And when Santa Claus comes, we can all set him straight.”

So into the night they sat munching a snack

With the hope that St. Nick would show up with his pack.

But at the North Pole things were somewhat amiss

Santa’s computer had scrambled his list

As he packed up his laptop and toys for his travels

He wasn’t quite sure if the mess was unraveled

But he dropped all the toys with a loud “ho ho hoing”

Down the chimneys where they seemed they ought to be going.

At ten minutes past twelve (by their plastic teaching clock)

The homeschooled kids were aroused with a shock

And what should their wondering eyes soon be facing

But a sackful of presents marked “Ashley and Jason.”

There were DVD movies and belly button jeans

Purple haired trolls and a dance moves machine

A Queasy Bake Oven, two robots that fight

A Whatserface doll...and not one book in sight.

Their eyes how they twinkled!  With laughter so hearty

They tore open the goodies and started to party.

But Mamma in her jammies came in and said “No! 

There’s been a mistake!  All this junk has to go!”

She called up St. Nick who was flying overhead

And asked him to bring the right presents instead

He promised he’d track down the gifts for her tots

And get rid of the trolls and the fighting robots.

And not far away, spending Christmas vacation

With the sackful of toys were Ashley and Jason

At first they were puzzled and pouted a bit

And Jason said “what’s a gemology kit?”

He checked out the books and a model heart

And some software about  Impressionist Art

Then Ashley sat down with a book about flowers

And they sat there like that for about three hours.

Till Santa popped in and explained his mistake

And said he’d get back the Queasybake

And the Hannah CD and the movies to play

But Jason and Ashley said, “No way!

The stuff is ours, it’s staying here

And could you please bring us more like that next year?”

So Santa was in a bit of a stew

He had to decide what the dickens to do

He called on his cell to the house of homeschooling

Where there was a great deal of laughing and fooling

Their mom said, “All right, you can keep the stuff

But no more next year, enough is enough!

I’ve learned something too, I promise not to fax in

A Christmas order for anything by Saxon.”

So Santa went home with his empty sleigh

And worked on his laptop the rest of the day

He made some notes for next year’s ride.

“More gifts that get the kids outside.

And for the mother of Ashley and Jason,

A complete set of Charlotte Mason.”

He took off his glasses, he’d done his best,

And then lay down for a well-deserved rest.

           

But I heard him exclaim as he pulled the bed curtain

"Merry Christmas to all, and homeschoolers for certain."